Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I think I will post this on my bathroom door.

Dear Kids,

Don’t be alarmed, the world isn’t coming to an end. I am simply taking a shower. It will take about 30 minutes and will involve soap and water. While I’m in the shower, I’d like you to remember a few things;

1. The large slab of wood between us is a door. Do not bang on the door to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can’t see me, I am on the other side. I’m not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said earlier. I didn’t mean it. Honest.

2. Believe it or not, shouting "telephone!" through the closed bathroom door will not make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since the amazing mind-reading mom has the day off, you’ll have to write it down. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can’t send him to school with telephone number-tatoos.

3. Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between "nothing" and a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I’m choosing not to answer you. Don’t call your dad at work and tell him I’m unconscious in the bathroom. He didn’t appreciate it last time. He won’t appreciate it this time, trust me.

4. No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can’t go to Albert’s house to play. No you can’t go to Albert’s house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you’ll just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have 4 feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to water the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don’t feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

5. Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention.

6. Do not set the house on fire.

7. Call me if there is an emergency. Emergencies are:

Dad has fallen off the roof

Your brother/ sister is bleeding

There’s a red fire truck in front of our house

Emergencies are not:

Dad has fallen asleep on the couch

Someone on T.V. is bleeding

There’s a red pick-up truck in front of our house

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house... For my sanity’s sake, lets pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don’t want to hear the real story....Ever.... Especially not while I’m standing in the pool of water you missed.

8. Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes you can do both at the same time.

Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that big stack of bills on the coffee table. I’ll be out soon. Maybe.

Love, Mom

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