Sunday, May 16, 2010

Gimme a break

WARNING: This post may contain the heart of my pity party...

Do you remember the Kit Kat Jingle? “Gimme a break. Gimme a break. Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar....You could keep it yourself but it wouldn’t be fair. That chocolate crunchy taste is loved everywhere.” Lately with the hours Brad has been working I’ve been singing that to myself. I don’t need the chocolate (although I love my chocolate) but what I do need is a break. It doesn’t even have to be anything elaborate. I simply need time for me.

I used to feel guilty about saying that I needed “me” time but not anymore. I don’t feel guilty about it. I know I need to take care of myself as I take care of my kids and house. Brad’s hours have been crazy and I have not had time for me without knowing at any minute the kids would call me back to them. Brad had to work on Mother’s Day and then had a business trip the day after. He didn’t get home until Tuesday night. The kids have missed him terribly and so have I.

We were able to have a lunch date on Friday which was fabulous, but it was also very emotional as we had a difficult decision to make. I valued that time with him but it was an afternoon laced with heartache and somewhat of a bittersweet finality all at the same time. Unfortunately, Brad had to work yesterday and again today. The kids have been getting to bed late and that always contributes to the grumpy behavior. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not making an excuse at all for them---grumpy or not they are still responsible for their behavior, however I know that if I have not made sure they get to bed at a decent time I cannot be too terribly upset when they start acting out.

Take today for example. Justin. I love that boy with every fiber of my being. I can remember with detail the nine months that I was privileged to carry him in my belly. I remember being sick with the smell of any tomato based sauce. I remember the joy of finding out I was having a son. I remember picking out his name and registering for all the “stuff” for him. It was one of the most enjoyable times of my life. Gabe will always be my first son, but Justin will always be my first born son.

I know I have made plenty of mistakes in raising my kids. I make them on a daily, heck, an hourly basis. I can only pray that through the wisdom of God I can somehow make up for those mistakes. Justin has always been my envelope pusher and I have no clue when or even if that will stop. But I love him all the same. I adore my son. I cannot imagine not having him in this family. He stole a piece of my heart the day I saw his heart beating on the ultrasound. I never knew that type of instantaneous love was possible. It breaks my heart when I see him acting out with his temper. It breaks my heart when his anger gets the best of him. It breaks my heart when I would rather put him to bed than truly deal with him because I have no fight left in me.

Justin has been overly tired the past couple days and today was no exception. He started before we even left church and I had to have Brad talk with him for a couple minutes. That seemed to help for a little bit. And then he didn’t get his way and it all hit the fan! I was able to reel him back in and I thought we would have a good rest of the day. Around 5 it really started spiraling and I knew an early bedtime was in the works. I didn’t realize how early or what was going to transpire to get us there and really that’s not what is important. What is important? His heart. Getting to his heart. Reaching his heart and showing him my heart and love for him. More importantly, showing him God’s love for him. I put my little guy to bed early tonight and he proceeded to call “MOMMY!!!!” for the next 35-40 minutes. I did go up and see what he needed but it was always the same thing...he didn’t want to go to bed and he wanted Daddy. I wanted to cry that I wanted Daddy too, but what good would it do for him to see me fall apart?

As I type this he has finally quieted down and I can only pray that he gets a good rest and tomorrow we can talk about our day and both of us learn something. I know that it’s not just me teaching him, but Justin teaching me too. James 1:19-20 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

I desire to live a righteous life.

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